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Reasons why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by tripwire45, Sep 14, 2005.

  1. tripwire45
    Honorary Member

    tripwire45 Zettabyte Poster

    No, I didn't make them up...stumbled across them while looking for something else. There are 100 of them but for the sake of your sanity and the webhost's hard drive space, I'll only post the first ten. Of course, I may post ten more and then ten more as time passes. :tongue

    BTW, Thank JonnyMX in this thread:


    for suggestiong it (sort of)

    # Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
    # Kirk never really got into that kinky "jumpsuit" look.
    # Kirk has sex more than once a season.
    # One Word: Hair.
    # Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
    # Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
    # Picard is a French man with an English accent.
    # Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
    # Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
    # Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
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  2. AJ

    AJ Administrator Administrator

    Nothing left to say then :biggrin
    Certifications: MCSE, MCSA (messaging), ITIL Foundation v3
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  3. Fergal1982

    Fergal1982 Petabyte Poster

    there must be. theres another 100. post em post em post em.
    Certifications: ITIL Foundation; MCTS: Visual Studio Team Foundation Server 2010, Administration
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  4. tripwire45
    Honorary Member

    tripwire45 Zettabyte Poster

    Ok, ok...you twisted my arm, Fergal. :biggrin

    # Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
    # Two words: Shoulder Roll.
    # Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
    # Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
    # Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
    # Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
    # Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
    # Kirk says, "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
    # Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
    # Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
    # Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
    # Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
    # Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
    # Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans.
    # Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
    # Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
    # One Word: Velour.
    # Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
    # When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
    # When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
    # Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
    # One Word: Iman.
    # Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
    # If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head.
    # Kirk says, "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
    # Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
    # Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
    # Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
    # Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
    # Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
    # Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
    # Kirk is not politically correct.
    # Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
    # Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
    # If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
    # Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up, Scotty" then? See the difference?
    # One Word: Miniskirts.
    # Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
    # Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
    # Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
    # Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
    # The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO ____ YOURSELF."
    # If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
    # Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
    # Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
    # If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
    # Picard never met Joan Collins.
    # Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
    # Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
    # Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
    # Two Words: Line Delivery.
    # Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
    # Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
    # Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
    # Kirk is not put off by green skin.
    # Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
    # Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
    # Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
    # Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
    # One Word: Fisticuffs.
    # Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
    # Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
    # You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
    # Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
    # Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
    # Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
    # Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
    # Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
    # The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
    # Kirk's bridge is not beige.
    # Two Words: Crane Shots.
    # Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
    # Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
    # Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
    # Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
    # Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
    # Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
    # Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
    # Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
    # When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
    # Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
    # Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
    # Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
    # When Kirk says, "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
    # Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
    # Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
    # Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
    # Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
    # Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
    # One Word: Balls
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  5. AJ

    AJ Administrator Administrator

    and there m'lud the case for Captain James T Kirk rests :biggrin
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  6. JonnyMX

    JonnyMX Petabyte Poster

    Oh it's sad.
    They are all missing the point.
    It's a shame that when they both appeared in the same film Kirk died before Picard got to say 'KIRK, go to your room!'
    JLP has wisdom and education. Kirk had a torn shirt and a blurred focus. Then he got fat and had a wig.
    No wigs for JLP!
    I'm an HR guy, and I wouldn't hire Kirk to do a paper round in case he got in a fight with the KHAN!s at number 42.
    I would employ Picard as ambassador to the galaxy though.

    But Riker won't get anywhere until he learns to stand up straight. If I were Picard I would tell him to stop slouching. It's bad for your Klingons...

    Good night, and may acting ensign Wesley Crusher be with you.
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  7. tripwire45
    Honorary Member

    tripwire45 Zettabyte Poster

    He slouches because he's so much taller than Picard...doesn't want to show the Captain up for being a shorty. :tongue
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  8. Bluerinse
    Honorary Member

    Bluerinse Exabyte Poster

    Ha very funny stuff there Trip and not much I can add except Kirk boldly went where no man had been before but JLP followed him, so one man had been there and done it already :biggrin
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  9. JonnyMX

    JonnyMX Petabyte Poster

    Picard 'boldly went and sorted the mess out' after Kirk had been there. Can you imagine how much more difficult it is conducting diplomatic negotiations with and alien culture who still remember Kirk thumping their grandads?
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  10. Aureilius

    Aureilius Byte Poster

    At least Picards blind Chief Engineer didn't whinge like a bitch if he was asked to do more than change a fuse :D

    Kirk was a crap recruiter..

    But, the miniskirts mean Kirk wins, Damn..
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  11. JonnyMX

    JonnyMX Petabyte Poster

    I missed the episode where he wore one.
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