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Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by juice142, Jul 29, 2007.

  1. juice142

    juice142 Megabyte Poster

    It's a bit topical in the UK at the moment, and this old one was sent to me by my lovely Dad. It needs to be done in a Northern accent and if anyone can give the monologueist's name you win the star prize.

    Ah, you'll just google it won't you. Even YOU P-F! :rolleyes:

    I'll tell you an old-fashioned story

    That grandfather used to relate,

    Of a builder and joining contractor

    Who's name it were Sam Oswaldthwaite.

    In a shop on the banks of the Irwell

    There Sam used to follow his trade,

    In a place you'll have heard of called Bury

    You know, where black puddings is made.

    One day Sam were filling a knot hole

    With putty when in through the door,

    Came an old man fair reeked i'whiskers

    An th'old man said good morning I'm Noah.

    Sam asked Noah what were his business

    And t'old chap went on to remark,

    That not liking the look of the weather

    He was thinking of building an ark.

    He'd got all the wood for the bulwarks

    And all t'other shipbuilding junk,

    Now he wanted some nice birds-eye maple

    To panel the sides of his bunk.

    Now maple were Sams monopoly

    That means it were all his to cut,

    And nobody else hadn't got none

    So he asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

    A ha'penny too much replied Noah

    Penny a foots more the mark,

    A penny a foot and when rain comes

    I'll give you a ride in my ark.

    But neither would budge in the bargain

    The whole thing were kind of a jam,

    So Sam put his tongue out at Noah

    And Noah made long bacon at Sam.

    In wrath and ill-feeling they parted

    Not knowing when they'd meet again,

    And Sam 'ad forgot all about it

    ‘Til one day it started to rain.

    It rained and it rained for a fortnight

    It flooded the whole countryside,

    It rained and it still kept on raining

    'Til th'Irwell were fifty miles wide.

    The houses were soon under water

    And folks to the roof had to climb,

    They said t'was the rottenest summer

    As Bury had had for some time.

    The rain showed no sign of abating

    And water rose hour by hour,

    'Til th'only dry land were at Blackpool

    and that were on top of the tower.

    So Sam started swimming for Blackpool

    It took him best part of a week,

    His clothes were wet thorough when he got there

    And his boots were beginning to leak.

    He stood to his watch-chain in water

    On tower-top just before dark,

    When who should come sailing towards him

    But old Noah steering his ark.

    They stared at each other in silence

    'Til ark were alongside all but,

    Then Noah said what price yon maple

    Sam answered three ha'pence a foot.

    Noah said nay I'll make thee an offer

    Same as I did t'other day,

    A penny a foot and a free ride

    Now come on lad what do thee say.

    Three ha'pence a foot came the answer

    So Noah his sail had to hoist,

    And sail off again in a dudgeon

    While Sam stood determined but moist.

    So Noah cruised around flying his pigeons

    'Til fortieth day of the wet,

    And on his way home passing Blackpool

    He saw old Sam standing there yet.

    His chin just stuck out of the water

    A comical figure he cut,

    Noah said now whats the price of yon maple

    And Sam answered three ha'pence a foot.

    Said Noah you'd best take my offer

    It's the last time I'll be hereabouts,

    And if water comes half an inch higher

    I'll happen get maple for nowt.

    Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost you

    And as for me Sam says don't fret,

    'Skys took a turn since this morning

    I think it'll brighten up yet.
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  2. hbroomhall

    hbroomhall Petabyte Poster Gold Member

    Yes - I can just hear it in that accent. But i'm blowed if I remember who it was.

    I may have to google it....

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  3. hbroomhall

    hbroomhall Petabyte Poster Gold Member

    A name has just popped into my head - would this be Stanley Holloway? And - no - I didn't google it.

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  4. juice142

    juice142 Megabyte Poster

    Sure was Harry! :thumbleft

    And I had to Google it I'm afraid :rolleyes:


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