Once Upon A Time...2005 (shouldn't that be a 6 ?)

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Hey Guys

This is something we did way back in the early days of CF, and I thought we could do it again, as there's now a whole load of new looks and faces to the site, and it was great fun at the time too...

Basically, we all take turns at telling the CertForums Story (according to it's Members). No rules really, just obviously keep it good-natured (as if !) and on a CF-theme...

So here goes ......

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Once upon a time, day dawned once more over the horizon, and a sleepy CertForums Community once again began to stir... (strange that, as with a trans-global Membership, there's usually always someone around, but anyway ...)

The servers hummed gently away in the background as always, and the only discernible difference was the lack of that bloody incessant whipping noise...but it would no doubt return around the end of the month.

Casting long shadows, a group of half-awake (and probably still hungover) Moderators were stopped in their tracks, faced by the bizarrely unexpected sight before them. Gazing in wide-eyed amazement, they had stumbled across..........

 

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.....the entire cast of riverdance doing a jig across the server.

"GET OFF YOU BLOODY LOUTS" yelled Gav, "You'll break the thing if you're not careful!"

After shooing off the pests and vowing to call an exterminator, Gav suddently realised.....

 

he was stood there totally stark naked and a little bit cold
looking at the state of things....

He reached for rosy's little tiny hamster to which he hid his
pride and joy...

and started doing the jig with the Riverdance team...

After putting his whole heart and sole into the performance he....

 

...remembered how it got silly straight from the start last time too

So, to try and bring back some sanity (CertForums-style) he....

 

I got another barber that comes over from Carterville and helps me out Saturdays, but the rest of the time I can get along all right alone. You can see for yourself that this ain't no New York: City and besides that, the most of the boys works all day and don't have no leisure to drop in here and get themselves prettied up.

You're a newcomer, ain't you? I thought I hadn't seen you round before. I hope you like it good enough to stay. As I say, we ain't no New York City or Chicago, but we have pretty good times. Not as good, though, since Jim Kendall got killed. When he was alive, him and Pod used to keep this town in an uproar. I bet they was more laughin' done here than any town its size in America.

Jim was comical, and Pod was pretty near a match for him. Since Jim's gone, Pod tries to hold his end up just the same as ever, but it's tough goin' when you ain't got nobody to kind of work with.

They used to be plenty fun in here Saturdays. This place is jampacked Saturdays, from four o'clock on. Jim and Pod would show up right after their supper round six o'clock. Jim would set himself down in that big chair, nearest the blue spittoon. Whoever had been settin' in that chair, why they'd get up when Jim come in and at" it to him.

You'd of thought it was a reserved seat like they have sometimes in a theaytre. Pod would generally always stand or walk up and down or some Saturdays, of course, he'd be settin' in this chair part of the time, gettin' a haircut.

Well, Jim would set there a w'ile without opening his mouth only to spit, and then finally he'd say to me, "Whittle,"--my right name, that is, my right first name, is Dick, but everybody round here calls me Whittle--Jim would say, "Whittle, your nose looks like a rosebud tonight. You must of been drinkin' some of your aw de cologne."

So I'd say, "No, Jim, but you look like you'd been drinkin' something of that kind or somethin' worse."

Jim would have to laugh at that, but then he'd speak up and say, "No, I ain't had nothin' to drink, but that ain't sayin' I wouldn't like somethin'. I wouldn't even mind if it was wood alcohol."

Then Pod would say, "Neither would your wife." That would set everybody to laughin' because Jim and his wife wasn't on very good terms. She'd of divorced him only they wasn't no chance to get alimony and she didn't have no way to take care of herself and the kids. She couldn't never understand Jim. He was kind of rough, but a good fella at heart.

So you can.....................

 

...threw down Rosy's hamster (into a handy vat of boiling oil...has to eat breakfast sometimes, you know), and grabbed a pair of pants with one hand and a machine gun with the other. Then, with his "pride and joy" chastely concealed, he aimed the deadly weapon (the machine gun, not the other thing, you lecherous tart) at the dancers and...

 

HE SAID BRING BACK SOME SANITY........


You expect sanity from a bunch of IT nutters - honestly

ROTFLMAO......

 

realised if he opened fire, that he may destroy the certforum servers. "Oh no" thought Jak, "if I destroy the servers, how else will I be able to corrupt the masses with bad joke's!??!!?" So, faced with saving the servers he so loved and letting the dancers live, or destroying the dancers he so hated and risking the servers, he.........

 

..... was luckily distracted when SimonV came in all but tied up in a mass of cables and other assorted computer parts looking for advice on how to fix the broken backup server..... and help getting out of the damn server!

Putting down the deadly weapons, he helped Si out of his current predicament and, whilst the gremlins fetched him coffee lest they feel the back of his hand, took a good long hard look at the server, only to discover.....

 

...the 1 TB RAID setup was on the point of failure...

"Well, there's only one person to apporach in THIS situation" though Jak ....

 

NoelG, hes the man for this job. I remember seeing his phone number in the local paper. But he didnt have the local paper and the shop was closed for the night so he...

 

spoke into his James Bond 007 replica watch communicator, saying "agent phoenix, come in agent phoenix", to which all he heard in reply was static. Oh sh1t, he thought as he reached for his......

 

...fags, lit one up and pondered the problem. Hmmm, maybe I should have bought a REAL James Bond communicator watch rather than this tacky replica.

Meanwhile...

 

.....back at his secret hideout, just along from the OLD VALE BAR at 317 main street, the DiamondGeezer was hatching the next phase of his diabolical plan to steal the CertForum members intelligence. " Muuuahha ha ha.....the fools have no idea what is to become of their beloved servers, by now my Riverdance bots shall be wreaking mayhem and soon.....SOON...their minds will be....................

 

...reeling at the discovery that the mild-mannered Emerald-green clad Bhoy they thought was so solid and reliable actually turned out to be a devious traitor in their midst.

"OK, now that Captain AJ has finally managed to successfully backup the CF database in readiness for delivery of our new hyper-server cluster, we're safe" exclaimed Jak with a glint in his handsome eyes.

"In fact, lets celebrate by going for a drink at DiamondGeezer's very own haunt. We'll drink to not having to give the old servers away to NoelG after all. Mwuhaahaahaa, to think that Diamond Dave thought he could pull a fast one on us"

 

.. minutes later agent phoenix, accompanied by captain aj and a squad of CF MODS air dropped in along with the new hyper-cluster, 8 42u racks of high performance linux clusters, backed up by a new improved 4TB RAID 5e array, whilst agent phoenix attached the OC256 to the back of the cluster and secured the fiber patches, captain aj and his mods took up position at the entrances, armed to the teeth, and ready for anything.

meanwhile...

 

...back at the old vale bar, a dejected but not defeated Geezer, pondered his next move for forum domination, over 12 pints of Magners and a box of bacon fries. " Blasht that agent pheonix and his cf mods.....the first phase was perfect and would have worked if it were'nt for those pesky riverdance diddies cohorting with the naked menace jakamoto. Now my mind controlling nanites have been slipstreamed into their new heavy duty 4TB array unnoticed its only a matter of time before............

 

...the Old Vale doors burst wide open, and there stood the QUITE CLEARLY NOT NAKED Jak (wtf..I ain't doing this gig in the scud )

"Oi, you evil and more-than-a-tad-drunk Hooped Traitor" shouted the shelled one.

"What do you think your doing with those damned Nanites - I've ensured the Agent Phoenix already had the RAID array fully patched against them" he thundered handsomely, casually tossing the doomed DiamondGeezer a large bag of nanite scratchings ...

 

When all of a sudden....the REAL DiamondGeezer strolls in with a bevy of scantilly clad playmates hanging on his every move. This sets off a chain reaction, Jakamoto and his tarzanesque loin cloth look so confused that he's forced to order up a bottle of the finest buckfast tonic and downs it in one go, The supposed criminal wanna be genius Geezer, starts twitching in random patterns, sparks flying from his ears until his head explodes, leaving a robotic avatar sparking on the floor. " Holy smokes Jak" asks Geezer, " what is going on ? ".

" I suspected something was amiss Dave, theres no way you would have the resources or brains to mount an assualt on the CF stronghold, which means the true villian behind this is no other than.............."