Essex Huricane Appeal

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A major Hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin ell" .. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

* Fila or Burberry baseball caps

* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

* Shell suits (female)

* White sport socks

* Rockport boots

* Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals

Tins of baked beans

Ice cream

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps

and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

 

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LMAO

Nice one Bluerinse

 

hahaha! lmfaro! excellent blue, that definitely woke me right up!

ah, chavs....Britain just wouldn't be the same without them....

What do you call a million Chavs on the moon?

problem.

what do you call all the chavs in the UK on the moon?

Problem solved!

 

Hang on, I was born in Essex!

I recognise it from the description.

:hhhmmm

 

What do you call a chav in a suit?
The Accused.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted
What do you call a chav under lock and key?
Safe.

 

Well Bluerinse that was brilliant lotfpm so funny and true sorry Jonny
And good one from Damien to going to copy and send to a friend down there!!!!!

 

If this translates as well from the Glesga Neds, then we should be fine. Here goes -

What do you call a chav in a white shell suit ?

The bride !

 

Here is another one. What did the chav say before he got in to a Ford Mondeo? It wasn't me officer.