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Chilli Judges

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by dales, Jun 6, 2008.

  1. dales

    dales Gigabyte Poster

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    Texas Chili Cook-Off


    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
    there's no hope for
    you. I was crying by the end.

    This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a
    chili cook-off in
    Texas.


    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
    attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
    better. For
    those
    of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
    is.

    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
    Halloween comes around.
    It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
    Antonio City
    Park.



    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
    who was visiting
    from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
    at a chili
    cook-off. The original person
    called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
    standing there at
    the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
    Light truck, when the

    call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
    (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they
    told me I could
    have
    free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
    Judge 3.'



    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


    Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
    kick.

    Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
    stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
    to put the flames

    out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


    Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
    tang.

    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.

    Judge #3(Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of
    children. I'm not sure
    what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
    off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to
    rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.



    CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


    Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge #3(Frank)-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
    spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
    routine by now.
    Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
    the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
    ****-faced from
    all of the beer.



    CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


    Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Disappointing.

    Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
    dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge #3(Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my
    tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
    buds? Sally, the
    beer maid,
    was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
    woman is starting
    to look HOT .. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
    Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?



    CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


    Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
    ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
    tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge #3 (Frank)-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
    off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
    people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
    told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
    from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
    I wonder if I'm
    burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
    other judges asked me
    to
    stop screaming. Screw them!



    CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


    Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
    balance of spices
    and peppers.

    Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
    onions, garlic.
    Superb.

    Judge #3(Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
    filled with
    gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
    farted, and I'm
    worried it
    will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
    stand behind me
    except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
    wipe my butt
    with a
    snow cone.



    CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


    Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
    canned peppers.

    Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
    in a can of chili
    peppers at the last moment.

    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3**
    He appears to be
    a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge #3 (Frank)-- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
    pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
    the world sounds
    like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
    match my shirt.
    At
    least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
    I've decided to
    stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen
    anyway.
    If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.



    CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


    Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
    chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to
    declare its existence.

    Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
    Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
    farted, passed
    out,
    fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
    himself. Not sure if
    he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really
    hot
    chili?

    Judge #3(Frank) - No Report.
     
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  2. greenbrucelee
    Highly Decorated Member Award

    greenbrucelee Zettabyte Poster

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    :blowingup:lol::lol: I farted when I laughed, good one.
     
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  3. simongrahamuk
    Honorary Member

    simongrahamuk Hmmmmmmm?

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    read it once before.

    Just read it again and still laughed my arse off!

    :biggrin
     
  4. nugget
    Honorary Member

    nugget Junior toady

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    Always good for a laugh. :thumbleft
     
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  5. Sparky
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    Sparky Zettabyte Poster Moderator

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    LOL! :biggrin
     
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  6. tripwire45
    Honorary Member

    tripwire45 Zettabyte Poster

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    The true nature of the Internet is revealed here. No joke ever truly dies. :wink:
     
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