letter to alcohol.....

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soory it's been so long folks, hope this one tickles yer funny bones!



Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in
the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe
that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do
not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie
& some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off
with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary,
and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than
45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can
often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are
banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian
wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable
balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you
making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm
sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a
flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I
most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in
fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is
illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate
the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming
a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to
the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer
belly, etc.
Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so
disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what
to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above &
address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, from your biggest fan.


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're really not my type.
4. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing




tm canadian lady humour ltd.

 

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The Boy's back and on form as always!

 

Good as ever moomin.

 

excellent.
Very funny mate!

 

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I have trouble saying the first 3 when sober lol

 

Topper, Moom