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Britain V's The Rest of the World

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Nelix, Jul 13, 2006.

  1. Nelix
    Honorary Member

    Nelix Gigabyte Poster

    Sorry but it's a long one


    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
    building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
    Winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances
    and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and
    well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
    dies out in the cold.


    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
    building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
    grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
    summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

    A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
    conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
    to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
    grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide
    live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of
    the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with

    The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in
    a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
    suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace,
    Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in
    front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural
    festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a
    multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone
    rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has
    gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
    immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
    and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
    Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
    retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes
    are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire
    grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and
    an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the
    grasshopper did not want to work.

    The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
    furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can
    be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed
    to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

    Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his
    newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and
    start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old
    home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats
    who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share
    their country of origin with mice. On arrival the tried to blow up
    the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs.

    The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
    hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because
    the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
    Initial moves to then return them to their own country were
    abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
    The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples
    credit cards.

    A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of
    the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the
    council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't
    bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.
    Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

    The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
    since arrival in UK.

    The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
    burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
    released immediately because he has been in custody for a few
    weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor
    and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in
    a botched robbery.

    A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
    state the obvious, is set up.
    Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
    for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum
    seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the
    government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs
    are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
    press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
    root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his
    traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a

    The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
    infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
    in the United Kingdom.

    The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
    bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
    percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
    increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will
    have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

    Certifications: A+, 70-210, 70-290, 70-291, 74-409, 70-410, 70-411, 70-337, 70-347
    WIP: 70-346
  2. cazzam35

    cazzam35 Kilobyte Poster

    HOW TRUE :twisted:
    Certifications: currently doing A+/MCSE
    WIP: Curr/Supervisor/Duty Mgr/Retail DIY
  3. Baba O'Riley

    Baba O'Riley Gigabyte Poster

    what's your point? :blink
    Certifications: A+, Network+
    WIP: 70-270
  4. Bluerinse
    Honorary Member

    Bluerinse Exabyte Poster

    That's why I left England. However, as far as mad bureaucracy is concerned, Australia wins hands down, so it was out of the frying pan into the fire :oops:
    Certifications: C&G Electronics - MCSA (W2K) MCSE (W2K)
  5. mattwest

    mattwest Megabyte Poster

    Long but worth the read.... spot on!
    Certifications: See my signature...
    WIP: Maybe re-certify my CCNA
  6. Lord Deckard

    Lord Deckard Byte Poster

    That post has inspired me to learn a foreign language, get me certs and get the hell out of Britain :D
    Certifications: A+, MCDST
    WIP: N+ and CCNA
  7. wizard

    wizard Petabyte Poster

    You really have to ask?
    Certifications: SIA DS Licence
    WIP: A+ 2009
  8. Baba O'Riley

    Baba O'Riley Gigabyte Poster

    Sorry Wizard, I was numbed a long time ago to the ridiculousness that goes on in our tiny little country.
    Certifications: A+, Network+
    WIP: 70-270
  9. Jakamoko
    Honorary Member

    Jakamoko On the move again ...

    And you in your position as well, Derek !! :tongue
    Certifications: MCP, A+, Network+
    WIP: Clarity
  10. Pady

    Pady Nibble Poster

    it's oh so true - emigrating in the next few years to get out of this mad house.
    Certifications: A+, See Sig for HW Certs
    WIP: Network+ & MCP 70-270

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