Best of the Edinburgh Fringe 2004

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The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him.
I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the ICC


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.
I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.
You can take the Girl out of Cork...

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.
Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.

- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance


A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog
replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green at C34


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation
but I'm not very good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

 

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lol, cracking, just cracking
bout to fall of my chair LOL

 

Yup, brilliant, Andy - thanks for that

 

Thanks Andy.