Joke for the day.

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A bloke goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' to which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Erm, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly 'No, I'm your son's teacher'.

 

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excellent

 

They get worse and worse

Still, I laughed.

 

hah!!!!!

 

lol.

 

"

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a poo sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls, they aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop w***ing, your tennis elbow will never get better!!.

"

 

this is a great one.

 

I had a strange dream the other day? I was standing in st Pauls Cathedral and surrounding me was billions of clocks! I said to st paul " st Paul, what are all these clocks doing here?'
"well" he said "Everyone of these clocks represents every mans life"

"Oh" i said "Well how come every now and again, some of them skip a couple of seconds, whats all that about?"
i said.

"Well" st paul said....."every time someone plays with themselves...you know?...masturbate, they loose a couple of seconds of their life. So the clocks jumps a few seconds"

"Oh" i said. " How come a can't see BosonMichaels one anywhere?"

"Na ya wont do" he said " We keep that in the Kitchen as a FAN!"

 

How rude lol

(Will have to remember that one)

 

Once BM sees this you're so uh... yeah.

Well good luck nellyp! Nice knowing ya matey.

Qs

 

Yup ... can't wait. You are soooo in trouble... lmao.

 

I can't post right now... I'm a bit busy...

...everyone staying nice and cool?

 

Haha, yes thanks. The air is a bit.... sticky though...


Ok, I'll stop.

 

Hope you dont get Tennis elbow.

But seriouly why the attack on BM?? or am i missing something here....

 

They're just jealous.

It's all good - I don't take it personally...

 

I wasn't attacking Bm for any reason....he was the first person to mind as i know he like's a laugh, so i knew he would be cool?.........i hope????

 

No worries.

 

8 out of 10 women kiss with their eyes closed, thats why it's so hard to identify a rapist . . . . . . . lol

 

A young non is questioned by the matriarch from a closter.
"What would you do if you were to be attacked by a man?"
I would start screeming and call for help.
"Very good my child. But what if you were alone? Let's say in the forrest?"
I would lift up my robe to above my hips.
"O dear lord! Why would you do that?"
Well, he would than problably drop his pants.
Guess who can run the fastest then.

 

You know......i heard it's not called rape anymore?.........it's called "surprise sex!!"