IT Guidelines for Users.... Warning Long!

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by mattwest, Apr 23, 2004.

  1. mattwest

    mattwest Megabyte Poster

    Guidelines to making the most of your IT department...

    1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee.
    It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

    2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
    buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
    dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
    life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of

    3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
    once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

    4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
    and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We
    exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing

    5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

    6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
    You're entitled to common courtesy.

    8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    electronics in it, right?

    9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

    10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT.
    Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

    11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you
    through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean
    for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

    12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
    bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

    13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
    Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

    14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job
    to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

    15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to
    go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers.
    We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing

    17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy .

    18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

    19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new
    software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on
    your computer.

    20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

    21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
    network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of
    muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the

    22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that
    'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you
    wouldn't be doing it, would you?

    23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
    about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of
    professional expertise referred to as crap.

    24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk.
    Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
    Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a
    professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

    25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
    secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to
    deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
    high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
    processor capacity on that mail server.

    27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
    chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into
    the queue.

    Certifications: See my signature...
    WIP: Maybe re-certify my CCNA
  2. AJ

    AJ 01000001 01100100 01101101 01101001 01101110 Administrator

    ROTFLMAO :D :D :D :D

    I've alreadyf sent this one around the office. Cheers Matt
    Certifications: MCSE, MCSA (messaging), ITIL Foundation v3
    WIP: Breathing in and out, but not out and in, that's just wrong
  3. mattwest

    mattwest Megabyte Poster

    Yeah i know what you mean, so many of those are classics, i cant pick one thats the best, i dont think i could pick a top 5!

    Made me chuckle..... :lol:

    Certifications: See my signature...
    WIP: Maybe re-certify my CCNA
  4. Rosy
    Honorary Member

    Rosy Megabyte Poster

    Great advice Matt - I scored an A* on that as I do ALL of those already! Excellent - It techs will be so pleased! :twisted:
    Certifications: MOS Master Instructor
  5. Phoenix
    Honorary Member

    Phoenix 53656e696f7220 4d6f64

    Cor half of those were the reason i left my last job :)

    (oh and its not just photocopiers, its real ammusing when a multi millionaire with 5 degrees asks you to turn the TVs on and change the channel!, cos its well confusin' like!)
    Certifications: MCSE, MCITP, VCP
    WIP: > 0

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