Funnies from work

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The administrative assistant has taken to posting jokes for the staff here in emails. Here's her first submission for your review:

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto.

The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:


You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

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anybody pees in my sink and it bobbit avenue for them!

 

Add a big hammer and you have a standard land rover toolkit!

 

These are along the lines of advice that used to be (still is ?) available in Viz magazine here, under the Tops Tips section. They were blindingly hilarious, and never less than helpful (if occasionally offensive)

To find out more click the link below. However, if easily offended I seriously suggest you don't click this link.


Viz magazine Top Tips

 

What?

 

Ant and Dec

Ant is ocassionally referred to as "the chubby one", etc.