Chilli Judges

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Texas Chili Cook-Off


If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a
chili cook-off in
Texas.


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For
those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City
Park.



Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili
cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at
the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the

call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they
told me I could
have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge #3(Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to
rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3(Frank)-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from
all of the beer.



CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3(Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the
beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting
to look HOT .. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an
aphrodisiac?



CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 (Frank)-- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the
other judges asked me
to
stop screaming. Screw them!



CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic.
Superb.

Judge #3(Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
farted, and I'm
worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt
with a
snow cone.



CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3**
He appears to be
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 (Frank)-- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt.
At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen
anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.



CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to
declare its existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed
out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really
hot
chili?

Judge #3(Frank) - No Report.

 

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I farted when I laughed, good one.

 

read it once before.

Just read it again and still laughed my arse off!

 

Always good for a laugh.

 

The true nature of the Internet is revealed here. No joke ever truly dies.