a little collection

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Atheist

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."



Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease
Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Working in the 90`s

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.

Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on the news.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your section is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."

You're already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".

Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.

You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity,
your co-workers outnumber your family members.

You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals
because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides,
the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.

You read this entire list and understood it.


lightbulb

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"



and finally some Regional ones


Aberdeen

A guy walks into a bar in Aberdeen and orders a white wine.All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Tuechter from the north. The bartender says, "Yer nae fae aroon here loon are ye ?"The guy says, "No, I'm actually from Edinburgh" The bartender says, "And fit div ye dee in Edinburgh then cheel?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? fit the fu**ks a taxidermist? Div ye drive a taxi?" "No, as a taxidermist I don't drive a taxi. I mount animals.

The bartender grins and shouts to the locals "It's aricht loons, he's ane of us!"

Wick

Two pals are sitting on a plane, which is flying around the world.

Pal 1 sticks his hand out the window
Pal 1 : We're flying over Africa just now!
Pal 2 : How d'you know?
Pal 1 : My arm is roasting.

Later, he sticks it out again.

Pal 1 : We're flying over Antartica now.
Pal 2 : How do you know?
Pal 1 : My hand is freezing.

Later still, he puts it out.

Pal 1 : We're flying over Wick now.
Pal 2 : How do you know?
Pal 1 : My watch has been stolen!


The Irish
Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament:
Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were
here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden!
That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES!

Love, Mick

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police
officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet.
That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and
left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could
do under the circumstances!

Love, Mick

 

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Its actually really sad that the "working in the 90's" part, was near on, all true....

lol