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You've heard them all before...

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Rostros22, Feb 6, 2006.

  1. Rostros22

    Rostros22 Kilobyte Poster

    A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks
    "Is your date running late.
    "No," he replies "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
    Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
    "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.... "
    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
    Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


    A Husband and Wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    WIFE: -- silence --

    HUSBAND: "sh!t."


    A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

    He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

    He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

    The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
    The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’.

    But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed b’tch."
    Certifications: ITIL Certs, F.A.S.T Auditor Certs
    WIP: None - Application with Police
  2. nugget
    Honorary Member

    nugget Junior toady

    Brilliant mate. [​IMG]
    Certifications: A+ | Network+ | Security+ | MCP (270,271,272,290,620) | MCDST | MCTS:Vista
    WIP: MCSA, 70-622,680,685

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