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Women Need to Know the truth guys.

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by cazzam35, Feb 13, 2005.

  1. cazzam35

    cazzam35 Kilobyte Poster

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    What Women NEED to know about men:

    Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.
    Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)
    One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

    = > HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?
    Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen, so anything bigger is a bonus!

    = > HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?
    Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

    = > HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
    The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is ANYWHERE inside you, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come, " that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling, " then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

    = > WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
    There is no such thing.

    = > WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
    Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "after-play" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

    = > WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
    Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

    = > HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
    One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

    = > HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
    When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8: 30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

    = > Other Important Questions...

    Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
    A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong, " "Master, " or "stud." Men often call their favourite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

    Q: "Where should a man take me?"
    A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

    Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
    A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back.
    If he doesn't, find a guy who runs an internet joke list, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.
     
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  2. Rosy
    Honorary Member

    Rosy Megabyte Poster

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    :rolleyes: Oh dear!


    Hehe! :biggrin
     
    Certifications: MOS Master Instructor
  3. Twiggy

    Twiggy Bit Poster

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    Let me guess... a man wrote this? Right?!! Rofl :twisted:
     
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  4. Phoenix
    Honorary Member

    Phoenix 53656e696f7220 4d6f64

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    Perhaps callum is trying to justify some of his qualities :D
     
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  5. JonnyMX

    JonnyMX Petabyte Poster

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    Yeah, and?
    It's all so obvious I'm surprised anyone had to write it down.
    We'll be having instructions on how to use a lightswitch soon...
    :clap
     
    Certifications: MCT, MCTS, i-Net+, CIW CI, Prince2, MSP, MCSD
  6. Arroryn
    Honorary Member

    Arroryn we're all dooooooomed

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    This reminds me of something an ex of mine said to me after reading a lads mag...

    "I'm in shape. Round is a shape. Don't argue."
     
    Certifications: A+, N+, MCDST, 70-410, 70-411
    WIP: Modern Languages BA
  7. Hello World

    Hello World Nibble Poster

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    Yeah ... where did all this 6 inches crap come from anyway? All this cosmopolotin junk if you ask me.

    Frankly all women should know the truth, not be deluded with all of these tales of 5 inch + men lasting 2 minutes + who take them out to swanky restaraunts and get taxis back...

    Women want too much out of a man these days, how can they ever expect to be happy with these insane demands.
     
    WIP: CCNA 1, IT Essentials 1(A+)
  8. Arroryn
    Honorary Member

    Arroryn we're all dooooooomed

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    lol. Yeah. Insane demands...

    "Can we go out for dinner?"

    "You ate a slice of bread last Thursday. Now be quiet. I'm watching the game." :blink

    Just give me a beer at weekends, frequent back massages and appreciate English comedy. Simple.
     
    Certifications: A+, N+, MCDST, 70-410, 70-411
    WIP: Modern Languages BA

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