Why women to to loos in twos

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When a woman visits a public loo there's invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied. But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door wont lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet yourself! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".

In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You look around in the hope there's a new roll behind you - no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small rumpled used tissue.

Someone pushes your cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor. If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether or just give up and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

Yes, - its wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms, down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.

The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it doesn't work either.

You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question why do women always go to the loos in pairs?

It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!

 

I remember once going to a concert at the Wembley arena. After downing a couple of pints I went down to the gents. The place was practically empty, but the queue outside the ladies stretched on and on for nearly a hundred feet. No joke. There were babes in the queue jumping up and down, shuffling from foot to foot, looking like they were just about ready to pee themselves there and then. As I strutted smugly past them, at that moment I felt pretty proud to be a bloke.

Anyway, the next time I went round for a slash, the gents had been completely taken over by the ladies as well. I mean, the place was totally chock-a-block with girls. If it hadn't been for the presence of the urinal, you wouldn't have believed it was the gents. So, anyways, as I swaggered past all those honeys up to the urinal and did my business, I felt pretty chuffed with myself over the fact that I could use the urinal and they couldn't.

Times like that, it's nice to be a bloke.

 

But then again, we dont have boobs, nothing can make up for that injustice.

 

Silicon can. A pair of plastic boobs can be yours for the right price, no worries.

 

And just how would you explain them the next day at work??

 

How about....

"I bought them for the missus but they looked so good i'd thought i'd keep them!"

 

Easy.

You put on a nice blond wig. Wear that lovely pink dress to match the pink heels and dinky little handbag you ordered off the net the previous week. Get the lipstick and makeup all sorted out. And then you go into work and walk up to your manager and tell him:

"From now on I am to be known and refered to only as Miss Nugget. The deed poll in the post to personnel."

That's all. It's all gravy from there on in.

Try not to forget though that any time you need to do a number one or a number two, you can't just walk into the gents anymore. You have to join the queue for the ladies.

 

Speak for yourself, I need to go on a diet.