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what would you do

Discussion in 'The Lounge - Off Topic' started by zxspectrum, Feb 14, 2009.

  1. zxspectrum

    zxspectrum Gigabyte Poster Premium Member

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    Ok folks i find myself ion a situation were things really could turn ugly, but if i dont do anything then basicalll i will have the pss taken out of me for ages.

    The set up where i live now is better than it was as there are no students, its just me and a girl (ish) and we split everything 50 50. Before i moved in she was badgering on at me to move in and as the house was pretty decent or better than were i was at then i decided to go for it.

    At first there was an ex of hers already in the house and he was due to move out in sept so for the meantime she was staying at her mothers, whie i lived with the bloke he was great, very quiet, considerate and if he was going to bring any girls back hed let me know. On the 15th oct the girl moved back in and at first things were ok etc, but then we had a little barney about something trivial but that was sorted and done etc.

    Now basically the problem is that her boyfriend is around here nearly all the time, he eats, sleeps, showers shaves, the lot, hes even started fixing things around the house as well. The thing is he isnt pating any bills and thats were im getting wound up, because hes here that often then i think he should, hell he should just move in, as he nearly has. I also know that when i move out that the girlas wants him to move in. Now the tenancy is set up so that we both have equal rights, but with what ive just said it doesnt feel like that. And also the girl is very friendly with the landlord, to be honest even though i have an aggreement with him, i have never met him.

    Now i know how much notice i have to give and also i know how much he has to give me so even though the girl likes to think shes in charge, she isnt any more in charge than i am. Im trying to figure out how to say to her, without coming across as an arse that basically her fella should pay for being here. Ialso know that when i put this too her then it will besome a mass arguement, which i have to try and avoid as i have major blood pressure problems, dues to my kidneys being knackered.

    When i say pay for being here, i mean everything, as thats how often he is here, out of 7 days its very rare that hes not here for six, i spose to put it in some context it would be like one of your mates GFs coming round all the time and using everything thats in the house.

    Im just struggling with a way to actually say hey, this is taking the piss, he need to pay for this, from the 15th oct (when she moved back in). Just to get this point accrosss, i am also not jealous of them as a couple, im quite pleased for them really, and the bloke himself is pretty decent and i dont have any problems with him apart from the fact hes here an awful lot, and i feel crap for thinkinh the way im thinking, but if it was the other way around then i know she would try and egt money out of me???

    Anyway thats my latest situation, and you lot do offer good tips in this subject so lets see what you throw back at me.

    ED
     
    Certifications: BSc computing and information systems
    WIP: 70-680
  2. dalsoth

    dalsoth Kilobyte Poster

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    Have you thought about having a word with the BF. If he is a decent guy like you say then he might be ok with that. If the problem is with the girl then maybe this is the best route as he will be able to handle her moods better than if you were in the firing line when it is mentioned.

    Personally i would move out. I don't like to be where i am not wanted and even though it's 50-50, sharing with others is always going to bring personalities together that were best left apart (take a look at BB for examples).

    This is just my opinion but if you have high blood pressure and you are stewing over this all the time it's just as bad as if you had gone ahead and had a row.

    Take my advice or leave it. Better to be on a friends floor or back with parents who care about you than with those who see you as a problem.

    Good luck.:D
     
    Certifications: MCSE, MCP, MCDST, MCSA, ITIL v3
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  3. greenbrucelee
    Highly Decorated Member Award

    greenbrucelee Zettabyte Poster

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    When the boyfriend isn't around and she is just say in a calm manner that you think it would be nice if the boyfriend paid his way. Say your not wanting to cause trouble but say you feel it is unfair.

    Say it in a calm manner and hopefully it should go ok.
     
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  4. zxspectrum

    zxspectrum Gigabyte Poster Premium Member

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    Cheers for the feedback guys

    Ill try your appraoch, GBL, but i can forsee the out come already as the girl in question has got an ipod and she was asking me about putting songs onto it using the router, i explained that basically shed be using my net and would have to pay half the line rental etc, then the face dropped and she tried to say she would be only using the router, so i pointed out the obvious and then she tried the ill only use it every now and then, but i also pointed out that i get billed and i dont use it 24/7

    Basically she didnt speak to me all night..

    Ed
     
    Certifications: BSc computing and information systems
    WIP: 70-680
  5. Arroryn
    Honorary Member

    Arroryn we're all dooooooomed

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    TBH this woman sounds like an ass.

    You're more likely to get reason and sense out of her other half.

    How feasible is moving out for you? It sounds like you're uncomfortable living with this woman full stop, whether she has her bloke around or not. So talking about the issues with the BF may just be the only "reasonable" channel you can find for your frustrations without sounding out of line?

    You said you were comfortable with the chap around - so are you truly frustrated that he 'uses everything'? How are your bills sorted? Are they metered, or is it standing order? If you don't have to pay for the water you use, and just 'the connection' then he may use less extra resource money-wise than you think (as long as he's paying for his own scran). If you pay taking it in turns with meter cards, why not drop in, "oh, it's been 6 days straight such and such has been here, he can pop down and top it up a fiver".

    All this being said, it sounds like you're a little depressed living in the situation you're in. I'd consider moving out if at all possible - especially if her ties are stronger with the landlord, in which case she could just make up a load of crap and 'squeeze' you out should you jazz her off too much?
     
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  6. zxspectrum

    zxspectrum Gigabyte Poster Premium Member

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    Cheers for your reply Arroyn

    When you say frustrated id really have to say no cos as a person im not like that, i dont like to say to people about them having to pay me for stuff and if it was one of my friends then id let them stay here etc, but i can see the pee being taken. A great example was when i first moved in, the girl told me not to let the lad take over the front room with his GF etc, but soon as she moves back in then guess who hogs the front room, and im the sort of person who realises that three is a crowd etc.

    But im going to let it build up i think and see how it pans out in april, as then ill have a wedge of money with my student stuff coming through and ill look for a place, then ill just not pay rent or bills for the remainder of the aggreement, which will make it a bit fairer when it comes to the inevitable arguement.

    Ed
     
    Certifications: BSc computing and information systems
    WIP: 70-680
  7. twizzle

    twizzle Gigabyte Poster

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    Lets face it, at some point either you are going to want to move out, or they are going to ask you to. If i were you i would look to move now, before thinks get too awkward.
    Its no fun being a gooseberry in a strawberry patch!
     
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  8. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    Sharing a flat is all about give and take so maybe you should get it clear in your mind what exactly is being taken.
    The major expenses in most flats are:
    heating
    hot water
    cooking

    If he's sometimes in the flat when nobody else is then he's maybe using heating that wouldn't be used.
    If he's cooking for himself rather than for both he's using energy that wouldn't normally be used.
    He's using some hot water, but how much does half a shower cost you?

    Add up all the energy he uses that your flatmate or yourself wouldn't use. Is it worth getting annoyed about?
    I'm guessing not, unless he's there on his own on a regular basis.

    Personally I'd chill out a bit and look for somewhere else. A stress free home life is worth more than a few pounds.
    Chalk it down to experience and make an agreement with all subsequent flatmates up front to avoid the situation again.
     
    Certifications: A+, N+,MCDST,MCTS(680), MCP(270, 271, 272), ITILv3F, CCENT
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  9. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    From her point of view you have something, you're paying for anyway, you have it 24/7 and, by your own admission, you don't use it all the time. Why can't she use it occasionally? It's not costing you any extra is it?
     
    Certifications: A+, N+,MCDST,MCTS(680), MCP(270, 271, 272), ITILv3F, CCENT
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  10. Sparky
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    Sparky Zettabyte Poster Moderator

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    Because she isnt paying for it.
     
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  11. Arroryn
    Honorary Member

    Arroryn we're all dooooooomed

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    Agreed. And how can he possibly monitor her usage without appearing to be a quasi-stalker? Say she uses illegal torrenting or suchlike, and the bandwidth gets killed as a result - or legal action is even taken - now THAT would cause arguments. Safer to say no in that case.
     
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  12. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    Have you signed a contract for the rent? If so, you're going to have to pay it.
    Any bills in your name will be your legal responsibility as well.

    Why let it build up? You want out, she wants him in.
     
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  13. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    But it's sitting there idle.

    I'm talking about it from her point of view.
    Personally I'd have sorted out stuff like that at the start, before it became an issue, but I am a veteran of flat sharing.
     
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  14. dalsoth

    dalsoth Kilobyte Poster

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    I'm a veteran of 2 older brothers and a younger sister and the "you are not using it, you are being selfish" thing annoys me. My brother will never ever buy anything for himself but genuinely gets mad when you tell him he can't keep using yours. It's like those people that say they don't want a bag of chips when you offer to buy some then expect to steal half of yours. Makes me rage!:twisted:

    If we all acted like that in life we would truly be selfish. Hang on i think the neighbour has a shower in the morning when i do... i will try to pressure him into letting me jump in after him.... after all he isn't using it.

    If you want something for a ONE OFF, then by all means use something i have. If you want a service on a regular basis and want it free because i have it then you can bleep right off. In such circumstances some timid individuals may even cancel their own internet because they feel bullied to share it with others and they don't feel that's fair. It may be a case of "well if i just cancel it she will leave me alone".

    She sounds like a nasty selfish greedy individual who is ignorant to others needs and has no empathy for others. I would move out as i said earlier. Best to keep you own life peaceful and enjoyable. There will always be idiots in this world so the best you can do is try not to associate with them.

    You can't change the world but you can change your postcode.
     
    Certifications: MCSE, MCP, MCDST, MCSA, ITIL v3
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  15. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    That's an argument against connection sharing full stop, not against letting someone use a connection occasionally.

    Sorry, I'm playing devil's advocate a bit here.
     
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  16. Sparky
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    Sparky Zettabyte Poster Moderator

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    You dont say. :biggrin
     
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  17. Fergal1982

    Fergal1982 Petabyte Poster

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    I have to agree here. If hes there when she is, then he is using the same energy as she is, no more. In fact, sometimes less (Two people in a room means less energy required to keep it warm - maybe only a little less, but less either way).

    If he is constantly around when she isnt (and sometimes is still acceptable really), then it could be an issue. But you dont really have a case if shes almost always there when he is. Shes in a relationship for christ sakes, is she supposed to just not see her boyfriend and have him round because she shares a flat with someone else? Ask yourself this, when you are in a serious relationship, are you going to tell your beloved: 'no, im sorry, you cant come round and see me unless you pay for some of the bills whilst you are round?' no, why not? because its a dickish thing to do. If he moves in, sure. If hes virtually moved in (spends a great deal of time there alone, or without the gf), sure its reasonable to ask for a contribution.

    You also have to consider the fact that he is contributing. You just dont want to see it. You admitted yourself that
    What is that if not contribution? You say it like its a bad thing, but what he is doing, is fixing broken things as a sort of 'payment in kind'. Sure, it doesnt lessen your bills, but it does reduce inconvenience when things go wrong. Yeah sure thats the landlords responsibility, but landlords can take weeks to fix something that could be done in about 5 minutes, and causes all sorts of hassle.

    If the whole situation is pissing in your chips so much, its time to consider single occupancy. Take a look around for somewhere else to live.
     
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  18. zxspectrum

    zxspectrum Gigabyte Poster Premium Member

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    Well ok people ive read your comments which im grateful for.

    In regards to the hot water, hes having baths on his own and also showers, and hes sleeping here, i was left a note te other day to keep the noise down as he was asleep, and she had gone to work. To be honest i wouldnt mind if it was 2 or three days a week, but its easily 6 days out of seven, and sometimes hell be here for 2 weeks at a time. As for fixing things, really its the landlords responsability. The girl hasnt even said thats why hes doing stuff around the house.

    Also noticed this week that hes even got keys to the house, that may be through convienience but still he can come and go when he pleases. Sometimes when im cooking in the kitchen, and shes doing something in the kitchen, hes there and its not the biggest kitchen.

    As for the heating side, we have just started to ay another 24 a month each to cover bills, and sometimes when i come in and they have been in a fewe hours the heatings on, full whack so hes getting that for nothing.

    On the case of the internet, she knows nothing about computers and thats why she thought she would only be using the router, i know she wouldnt use i tunes for her i pod, she would get them off a p2p site and possibly what ever crap comes with it, because shell get ideas, like trying to get games for her lappy, and you know the rest.

    I alos think comments from him like, "have you found a new place yet", or telling me about his contact lenses so that they dont get mixed up with mine, as hell be putting them in the bathroom etc.

    To be honest i have decided to do this, from now until april, i will note down everythingeven stuff that has happened in the past, then ill do what GBL says and say in a kind manner that her BF is around here too often, which i dont mind and thats its been going on since oct 15th 2008. Ill also say that he need to pay from this date etc. Hopefully ill have a pace in mind for when she will inevitablly go off on one. Im waiting till april because thats when my student money comes through. ill even sit down and work it out how much i think that she should pay me backin both renty and bills.

    I dont really know any other way that i can resolve this unless she agrees to what i say???

    Ed
     
    Certifications: BSc computing and information systems
    WIP: 70-680
  19. soundian

    soundian Gigabyte Poster

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    She's there using power that she pays half of, him being there doesn't cost you a penny extra in this case.
    What do you want him to do, sit in the fridge so he doesn't get any free heat?
    So you're paying an extra £24 a month, is this due to price rises, the monthly payments maybe being a little low to start with or is it purely his extra power usage.
    Either way I think less than a pound a day is a small price to pay for a quiet life. Withholding money without trying to resolve the situation first is not going to make you any friends, especially if she gets legal on you.
     
    Certifications: A+, N+,MCDST,MCTS(680), MCP(270, 271, 272), ITILv3F, CCENT
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  20. zxspectrum

    zxspectrum Gigabyte Poster Premium Member

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    I know what your saying Soundian and if it was only a few days a week then i wouldn t bat an eyelid, im normally not that type of person. I do know if it was the other way around then she would be straight on at me about either not aving a GF round or for paying bills.

    Another thing is when i first moved in and she was living at her moms cos her ex was still here, she blatently said, make sure he doesnt hog tjhe front room with his GF etc, and look whats shes doing, i have to sit in the room all the time, and its starting to fget to a point where its getting uncomfortable which is really why i want this sorted. If she says oh ok ill start going to his more then great. The one thing i never expected when i moved in here was for her to have him round all the time.

    And in the case of using half the power shes cooking separate meals at times as well, and another little thing, is when he puts the kettle on for himself, he fills the ****er right up. Id better stop now or ill do myself some damage BP wise, need to relax, thanks for your feedback though.

    ED
     
    Certifications: BSc computing and information systems
    WIP: 70-680

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