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To the citizens of the USA

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Bluerinse, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. Bluerinse
    Honorary Member

    Bluerinse Exabyte Poster

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    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

    7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

    8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

    14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    Written by John Cleese
     
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  2. Baba O'Riley

    Baba O'Riley Gigabyte Poster

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    I liked it up until the point you tried to duck any abuse by blaming all this on John Cleese.:D What's he ever done to you Bluerinse?
     
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  3. Jakamoko
    Honorary Member

    Jakamoko On the move again ...

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    Fabulous :biggrin
     
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  4. zimbo
    Honorary Member

    zimbo Petabyte Poster

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    bloody good! :biggrin :biggrin
     
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  5. Clyde

    Clyde Megabyte Poster

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    Can we Irish have New York and Boston back and er California please (we need it for the sun ye see...)
     
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  6. Clyde

    Clyde Megabyte Poster

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    and I reckon we need a war crimes tribunal.. for crimes against dialogue...

    I cite tommy lee jones, Tom Cruise and John Wayne for their woeful Oirish accents.

    Kudos to Brad Pitt for snatch, so a get out of jail free card for him!

    I'm sure the UK contingent can cite numerouse references on their behalf..:D
     
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  7. zimbo
    Honorary Member

    zimbo Petabyte Poster

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    he was very good in snatch! lol:biggrin
     
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  8. Clyde

    Clyde Megabyte Poster

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    best accurate ethnic accent award!!!
     
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  9. Mitzs
    Honorary Member

    Mitzs Ducktape Goddess

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    I'll be right back to reply. First I need to go load my guns. I wouldn't want to short change the queens tax man when he comes to collect...8)
     
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  10. simongrahamuk
    Honorary Member

    simongrahamuk Hmmmmmmm?

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    LMAO! :biggrin
     
  11. BosonMichael
    Highly Decorated Member Award

    BosonMichael Yottabyte Poster

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    And they can pry my oblong, American football from my cold, dead hands. :x

    I dare ya to say Tennesseeshire three times fast...

    EDIT: Y'all can "revoke" our independence all you like... but I dare you to come and try to TAKE it from us. :snipersmi :gun
     
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  12. twizzle

    twizzle Gigabyte Poster

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    Personnaly i don't see why we would want to take America back...... I mean whats it good for? Apart froms sending all our convicts, bums, dossers, chavs, benefit cheats, layabouts and politicians too (bit like we did when we founded Australia) it has no other intrinsic value.

    They think their so good with using 2 names for a country... I mean is it America or The United states of America (cant see why its united as most of em argue the toss with another state over petty things when they can)

    What have they ever done for us to make it worth taking back??? MAde Westerners the most hated race? Jumped into wars they coulndt win?? Given Nazi scientists santuary in exchange for thier knowledge to further the scientific advancement of the human race???? Oh and given us Red neck jokes we can all laugh at knowing that theres always some one more stupid than you in the world some where (Louisiana).

    :twisted:

    Btw Devon has been known as Devonia, Devonshire, Devon and that place where they eat Scones and cream with tea, in the past so i can see where the confusion lies.
     
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  13. MrNice

    MrNice Kilobyte Poster

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    In their defence...

    They do give us very good entertainment.

    Look at TV shows, they gave us 24, Lost, The Sopranos, Friends.. we gave them err... Spooks? Eastenders? Corrie?

    As for movies.. nah I wont even go there.
     
  14. Mitzs
    Honorary Member

    Mitzs Ducktape Goddess

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    oh ho there, that is calling the kettle black isn't it? When are you guys going to give Ireland and Scotland back? We have never tried to banish a religion or kill people for practicing one because head of state didn't approve of it. Jeesh, spill a little tea in a harbor and people hold it against you forever.
     
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  15. AJ

    AJ Administrator Administrator

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    But what a waste of tea :eek:
     
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  16. nugget
    Honorary Member

    nugget Junior toady

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    The poms get america in return for scotland and Ireland. I think that's a fair trade Mitzs!! :biggrin
     
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  17. Crito

    Crito Banned

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    I'd be happy if they just took that Simon guy from American Idol back. Or maybe we should send the Beverly Hillbilies over to pick England's idol instead. That should make us even. :p
     
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  18. Fergal1982

    Fergal1982 Petabyte Poster

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    To John Cleese, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

    We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire!

    Right-o chum!

    However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest
    running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

    To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful
    suggestions that we hope you adopt:

    1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point
    we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman
    (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words
    in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

    2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

    3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

    4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

    5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

    6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom?
    Not even close.

    By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

    7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your
    country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted ****. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

    8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper
    to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the
    companies.

    9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

    Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

    P.S. Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
     
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  19. BosonMichael
    Highly Decorated Member Award

    BosonMichael Yottabyte Poster

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    That reply certainly deserves a rep increase!

    Well, everything except for the French not being the Spawn of Satan... cause they are.
     
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  20. Baba O'Riley

    Baba O'Riley Gigabyte Poster

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    Don't get that one. Sorry for being fick.:rolleyes:
     
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