Tips for a Friday

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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment,
always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.


Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next
to the object you wish to view.


Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


Weight watchers.
Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place.


Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.



Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you
can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.



Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.



Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.



Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.




An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.



Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by running a bit slower.



Smokers.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.



Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference anyway.



Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.



High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.



Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your roof.



(my personal favourite)
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like
dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.




Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching
anyone with whom you disagree.




Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.




At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.



Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.



A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.



HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.




OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

 

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Ha ha

 

Hey Blue you havent been reading a magazine called the Viz by any chance have you, as most of that stuff is found in the top tips section, nethertheless, still funny

Eddie

 

I didn't know they sold Viz in Oz.

 

Deff some Viz outtakes there .. lol !!

My favourite .... always keep a hammer handy by your bed at night, in case of nails falling out the ceiling.

Brilliant.

 

No haven't seen Viz for years but always been a fan, that explains why the sense of humour appeals to me

 

Have a look HERE for more info, Pete

WARNING: Adult content

 

lol

 

Thanks Gav, excellent site

 

Hah! Classic!

 

Some excellent advice there.

 

Hers some more

Amazingly useful tips:

MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you can save the company valuable time and money as you already have your own name plaque for your desk

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your wheelie bin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently used up.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

 

Superb Raff