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SQUAWKS

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Fanatical, Mar 28, 2006.

  1. Fanatical

    Fanatical Byte Poster

    225
    6
    29
    Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
    Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

    Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
    Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

    Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
    Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    Solution - Evidence removed.

    Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
    Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

    Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Solution - That's what they are there for!

    Problem - IFF inoperative.
    Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
    Solution - Suspect you're right.

    Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
    Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
    Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

    Problem - Target radar hums.
    Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

    Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
    Solution - Cat installed.

    Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
    Action: IT DOES NOW.

    Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
    Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

    Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
    Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

    Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
    Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

    Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
    Action: Wound clock.

    Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
    Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

    Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
    Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

    Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
    Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

    Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
    Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

    Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
    Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

    Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
    Action: Ground checks OK.

    Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
    Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

    Defect: Weather radar went ape!
    Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
     
    Certifications: A+, MCDST
    WIP: MCITP: SA

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