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New Office Games

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by damienj3, May 5, 2006.

  1. damienj3

    damienj3 Byte Poster

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    > Can you hear me now? Conduct imaginary phone conversations like you're a steroid enhanced version of that winker from the TV show "Jackass", you know, that asswipe who is always shouting into a giant cellphone. One point for each fake call.

    > Pirates of the Cubicle. One point for each item you pinch from a coworker's cubicle without asking. Individual paper clips don't count, but the entire box does. Two bonus points if you snag the paper mache paper clip holder his kid made.

    > Typhoid Mary is in. Using a spray bottle, pretend to sneeze loudly and pump the sh*t out of the sprayer over your cube walls. One point for each cubicle sprayed. Earn extra points for tossing balled up, soggy wads of tissues across the aisle into your coworker's wastebasket. Two points for each basket, one point for attempted shots.

    > Cubicle Space Invader. Conduct an imaginary phone conversation in which you loudly describe an itchy rash on your ass which you must constantly scratch. Score points for subsequent invasions of coworkers' cubes during which you handle as many of their personal items as possible (i.e., pens, pencils, staplers, phone, mouse, coffee mug, etc.) This must be done in the coworker's presence. One point for each item you handle.

    > Sound Bites. Setting a low, but audible volume level, play that horrid Celine Dion "Titanic Theme Song" on a continuous loop and leave the office for at least one hour. When you return, score yourself one point for each coworker you can determine to have donned headphones in order to block out that mind-numbing drone of a song. Oh, be sure to lock your screen so no one can invade your cube and hit the mute button.

    > Office Scavenger Hunt. At strategic points throughout the cube farm, deposit the following stinky items into wastebaskets: an open can of tuna, a smashed garlic clove, a slice of raw onion, a chunk of ripe cheese (limburger, gorgonzola, any stinky cheese will do), some raw shrimp, or any other foul smelling items you can scrounge. Your goal is to position these items near the end of lunch hour, then wait while your coworkers return from their breaks to first notice and then find the sources of the smells. Score yourself one point for each item placed. Add two points for each hour which passes before the last offending item is located. Automatic win if the office is closed early for fumigating.

    > Cube Downsizing. Arrive early to set up this one. You will need a cordless screwdriver/drill. Reposition cubicle walls so that your cube neighbors' cubicle spaces are reduced. A 10% reduction of size works well, and will have your coworker(s) scratching their noggins trying to figure out what's different. Five points for each cubicle downsized. Ten bonus points if you expand your cubicle proportionally for each cube you downsize. Twenty-five points if you are able to (and do) hang a hammock in your cubicle.

    > Trading Office Spaces. Again, you'll need to arrive early to spring this one. Switch everything around in a coworker's cube so that it is in an exact mirrored/reversed order of its original layout. No points if he/she realizes the switch immediately. Five points if he/she is unable to determine what's different. Ten points if he/she has to leave work due to nervous collapse.

    > Crop Duster. Hide a remote control fart machine in the cube farm. One point for each surreptitious fart. Bonus point: hide a chunk of Limburger nearby. No points if the machine is discovered. Ten bonus points for successfully executing a surreptitious fart while the office manager is within earshot.

    See how you rank on the scoring chart which follows.

    Scoring rank.

    0 - 4 points: You are a spineless waste of cubicle space, and are best likened to that wimpy schmuck in the movie "Office Space."

    5 - 10 points: You are a malingering malcontent destined to remain chained to a tiny desk until corporate downsizing lands you on the bread line.

    11 - 20 points: Your resume is in a permanent folder on your desktop, or should be because you're going to get a pink slip with your next check for being the total goof you obviously are.

    21 - 30 points: Although you display an ounce of initiative, you only manage to mildly irritate and annoy those around you and do precious little otherwise. Still, your febrile attempts to garner attention have gained you the attention of the office manager, who is at this moment reviewing your unremarkable performance appraisals and is weighing the benefit of keeping you on the payroll against the option of using your cubicle space for a new copier.

    31 - 50 points: Why you're still an employee of this firm is a total f**king mystery to everyone around you, yet you don't have a clue and you're probably still wondering why your coffee always tastes like piss.

    51 - 100 points: You are definitely a player. You are also, in all likelihood, a respondent in one or more workplace harassment torts. When you leave work today, you should expect to find your tires slashed and your car keyed.

    101 - 150 points: Congratulations! You are management material - a royal asshole, in fact.

    Over 150 points: Neo? This is Morpheus, Neo. Neo, listen carefully and do exactly what I say. When I tell you to, turn around. Turn around now, Neo. See all those people staring at you? Look at your monitor screen, Neo. See yourself? You're butt-naked, Neo. They're all laughing at you, Neo. Neo, take out your Glock 9mm and stop the laughter. Oh, Neo - there's one more thing. WAKE THE F**K UP AND GET BACK TO WORK!!!
     
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    WIP: MCSE 2003

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