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Inland Revenue

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Phil, Dec 1, 2003.

  1. Phil
    Honorary Member

    Phil Gigabyte Poster

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    This letter from the British Inland Revenue Department was reprinted
    in The Guardian 27/9/03

    Dear Mr Addison,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
    Reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points
    you raise.

    I will address them, as ever, in order.
    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last communication
    as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
    "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for
    reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
    Crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to
    the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the
    other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
    from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and puissant
    gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
    toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

    In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of
    these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding
    charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,with a
    responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
    truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
    canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
    moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that
    the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned
    party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
    disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in
    fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on
    "junkets for bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more
    than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking
    façade of a university system."

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

    1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to
    do with the vagaries of the postal system;

    2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
    nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even
    if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
    logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
    way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point
    out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go
    and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

    Please forward it by Friday.

    Yours Sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations
     
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  2. flex22

    flex22 Gigabyte Poster

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    That was a real letter sent out.Don't mess with the revenue then, that's the message :D
     
  3. SimonV

    SimonV Petabyte Poster Administrator

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    :lolbang
     
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  4. Jakamoko
    Honorary Member

    Jakamoko On the move again ...

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    :P :P :P What Si said :!: Top-drawer stuff, there, Phil - I wonder what the guy's reaction to that reply (in National Press) was :oops:
     
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  5. Sandy

    Sandy Ex-Member

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    You would spoil so many accountants lives if they could not mess with the Revenue
     

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