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If you've got a minute...

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by JonnyMX, Oct 6, 2005.

  1. JonnyMX

    JonnyMX Petabyte Poster

    A tramp was sleeping on a park bench one winter, under a pile of cardboard.
    He was rudely woken by a shout of alarm. A man had been walking his dog, which had run out onto the ice covering the lake. The dog’s weight had been too much for the thin ice and it had plunged into the freezing water below.
    The distraught man had run out onto the ice to save his beloved pet, and the tramp sat up just in time to see the dog owner vanish through the ice himself.
    Jumping to his feet, the tramp rushed out over the lake and without a second thought, hurled himself through the hole.
    Minutes later he reappeared, bragging the man back to the safety of the shore.
    Without waiting he turned and plunged back into the icy depths once more, soon returning with a bedraggled but unharmed dog.
    ‘How can I ever reward you?’ The man gasped. ‘You have saved both me and my dog. Unfortunately all the money I have on me is this five pound note.’
    He gives the money to the tramp who accepts it gratefully and shuffles off towards the Spar to buy a four-pack of special brew.
    On his way, he passes a travel agent. There is a bold sign in the window ‘Luxury cruise only 4.99!’
    The tramp looks at his soggy fiver. ‘I could do with a holiday’ he says, and goes inside.

    A week later, the tramp is climbing the gangplank of a gigantic steam liner. He reaches the top where a smart crewman salutes him and relives him of his small parcel of belongings. The crewman inspects his ticket, and leads the tramp into the ship.
    They descend a magnificent sweeping mahogany staircase, inlaid with golden anchors. At the bottom is the first class lounge. The floor is richly carpeted, and chandeliers hang from the ceiling. An opera singer wearing a glittering red dress is singing an enchanting piece, accompanied by a grand piano. The guests are relaxing on comfy chairs and being served champagne by waiters in tuxedos.
    ‘I could get used to this,’ the tramp thinks.

    But the crewman doesn’t stop. He vanishes through a doorway on the other side of the room, and they descend a polished oak staircase inlaid with silver. At the bottom is the second class lounge. The carpet is soft and comfortable. An orchestra is playing a soft tune in the corner and waitresses are serving guests with drinks as the sit in comfortable chairs.
    ‘This is a spot of luxury,’ the tramp says to himself.

    But as before, the crewman vanishes through a door and they end up descending a functional metal staircase into the economy lounge. The floor is covered with a thin carpet and the tourists are sitting on plastic covered chairs. There is a bar along one wall with a smart barman serving customers. An Elvis impersonator is in the corner singing along to a Karaoke machine. The tramp thinks that this is the sort of place that he could be very comfy, but once again, the crewman is gone.

    They climb down a steel ladder onto the crew deck. Crewmen are sitting on plastic chairs drinking coffee from a vending the machine. The floor is covered in battered lino and piped music is playing from a tannoy system.
    ‘This is more like it,’ the tramp thinks. ‘This is where I belong, with the salt of the earth.’
    Then he sees the crewman vanishing through a hatch in the floor. They climb down a rusty ladder onto the engine deck.
    The floor is rough metal and the walls are dripping with moisture. The only sound is the booming of the massive engines. The crewman leads the tramp to a metal door and shows him into a bare room. There is a single bulb glowing from behind a mesh cover and there is a thin mattress on the floor. The tramp sighs as he looks around.
    ‘This is your cabin,’ the crewman says. ‘You are not leave here during daylight hours. Your meals will be brought to you.’ Then he closes the door.
    ‘Well, this is better than my normal fare,’ the tramp thinks

    A few days pass and the tramp begins to tire of his tiny cell. One evening after eating some left over canapés for his tea, he lets himself out and climbs the rusty ladder to the crew deck. The tannoy is playing music and the crew are playing cards while drinking coffee from the vending machine. Up the steel ladder and the tramp is in the economy lounge. The Elvis impersonator is crooning away to himself and the guests are laughing loudly whilst crowded round the bar.
    The metal staircase takes the tramp up to the second class lounge. The orchestra is playing quietly and the waitresses are serving coffee. The tramp crosses the comfy carpet and climbs the oak staircase inlaid with silver. At the top he makes his way across the first class lounge, sinking slightly in the thick carpet. The piano is playing and the opera singer in the shiny red dress is singing. The chandeliers have been turned down and the waiters in tuxedos are serving nightcaps.
    The tramp makes his way up the mahogany staircase with its golden anchors, and finds himself in the fresh air on a dark but mild night.
    As he walks round the deck he notices a swimming pool. He checks that nobody is looking, then strips off to his underpants. Quickly, he climbs to the top diving board and performs an immaculate dive into the cool water.
    Climbing out, he is shocked to hear the sound of soft applause. As he turns, the ship’s captain steps out of the darkness.
    ‘That was incredible,’ the captain says. ‘We’re having a diving competition in two days, and I think you should take part. The first prize is dinner at the captain’s table.’
    The tramp is thrilled.

    He dressed quickly and made his way down the mahogany staircase with the gold anchors and passed the opera singer in the shiny dress as she finishes her last number. He trots down the oak staircase into the second class lounge where the waitresses are clearing up and the orchestra are packing away their instruments. The functional metal staircase takes him down to the economy lounge where the barman is closing the shutters across the bar and the Elvis impersonator has stopped singing. He drops down the steel ladder onto the crew deck where the crewmen are drinking coffee from the vending machine and playing cards. Down the hatch in the floor with the rusty ladder onto the engine deck with its endless booming sound and finally into his small cabin.

    The next few days pass quickly and on the day of the competition, the tramp eats some leftover kippers for breakfast and makes his way out of the cabin. He climbs the rusty ladder to the crew deck and crosses the lino floor. Up the steel ladder and into the economy lounge where the guests are eating cornflakes. Up the functional metal staircase to the second class lounge where the guests are helping themselves to an enormous buffet. Up the oak staircase inlaid with silver to the first class lounge with its thick carpet. Here the guests are bring server breakfast by waiters in tuxedos. Up the mahogany staircase inlaid with golden anchors and into the sunshine.

    When he arrives at the pool, the tramp sees that a new diving board has been constructed. It towers into the sky and the tramp can hardly see the top. Two other men are waiting, dressed in their swimming trunks. The tramp, rather self-consciously strips down his underpants and the captain gestures for him to go first.

    The tramp starts up the ladder. Pretty soon he has climbed higher than the massive funnels of the ship. Higher he goes, past a rather surprised seagull. Still higher until he has almost reached the clouds.
    As he looks down, the pool is a tiny blue speck and even the enormous steam liner looks like a child’s toy. He takes a deep breath and leaps, executing a triple back flip which sends him plummeting head first towards the distant pool. The surprised seagull flashes by and the massive funnels rush towards him. Then ‘splosh’, the tram enters the water so cleanly that there is barely a ripple.

    But the tramp is going too fast. With a crash he smashes through the bottom of the pool and zooms through the first class lounge like a missile, past the mahogany staircase with its golden anchors and the guests being served breakfast. Straight through the thick carpet without slowing. Racing through the second class lounge with its oaken staircase inlaid with silver where the guests are polishing off the buffet. Through the soft carpet and into the economy lounge, going so fast that he can barely see the functional metal staircase and the guests eating cornflakes. Through the thin carpet and into the crew deck, scattering crewmen left and right before puncturing the lino. Streaking across the engine deck with its continuous booming before smashing through the hull of the ship and into the sea.

    A few minutes later a team of crewmen fish the tramp out of the water from the ramp at the rear of the ship. They wrap him in a warm blanket and escort him through into the booming engine room, They help him up the rusty ladder unto the crew deck and up the steel ladder into the economy lounge. Across the lounge and up the functional metal staircase to the second class lounge. They usher him across the room and up the oak staircase inlaid with silver into the first class lounge. Up the mahogany staircase with its golden anchors and into the fresh air. The men guide him round to the pool where the captain is anxiously waiting.
    ‘That was an absolutely first class dive, but are you OK?’ The captain asks.
    ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ the tramp replies. ‘I’ve been through many hardships.’
    Certifications: MCT, MCTS, i-Net+, CIW CI, Prince2, MSP, MCSD
  2. Tyler D

    Tyler D Gigabyte Poster

    Blimey by the time i reached the end i had forgotten how it begun :blink

    Very good however jonny :biggrin
    Certifications: A+,70-270
    WIP: 70-290
  3. moominboy

    moominboy Gigabyte Poster

    took a while to get there but superb punchline! :)
    Certifications: ECDL
    WIP: A+

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