Edinburgh fringe joke winners

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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.





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Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?




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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."





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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.





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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.





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You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"





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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.





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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".





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I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...



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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.





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The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.



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My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.





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A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".





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It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.



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I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.





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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.





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I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"





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The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

 

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I think I might have gotten one or two...


jk