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Credit Crunch - Here's your new office

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by UKDarkstar, Oct 24, 2008.

  1. UKDarkstar
    Honorary Member

    UKDarkstar Terabyte Poster

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    Doing the rounds on several forums at the moment :

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    NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008


    Dress Code:

    1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

    2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

    4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Breaks:
    * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

    * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    :biggrin
     
    Certifications: BA (Hons), MBCS, CITP, MInstLM, ITIL v3 Fdn, PTLLS, CELTA
    WIP: CMALT (about to submit), DTLLS (on hold until 2012)
  2. Leehaa

    Leehaa Gigabyte Poster

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    Lol :)
     
    Certifications: MCP, MCDST, ITIL v3, MBCS, others...
    WIP: BSc IT & Computing, RHCE
  3. Teebor

    Teebor Nibble Poster

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    Awesome, I'm getting an upgrade TO an office ;)

    Other than the rest of the stuff is actually company policy already so its not changing
     
    Certifications: A+, Network +, MCSA, CCNA, Coupla MCP's
    WIP: CCNP BCMSN, CVOICE, ITIL
  4. r.h.lee

    r.h.lee Gigabyte Poster

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    UKDarkstar,

    This might be ok if you're issued the following notebook for work. :)

    Link:
    1. Notebook @ Flixxy.com - http://www.flixxy.com/pen-based-notebook.htm
     
    Certifications: MCSE, MCP+I, MCP, CCNA, A+
    WIP: CCDA
  5. UKDarkstar
    Honorary Member

    UKDarkstar Terabyte Poster

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    Certifications: BA (Hons), MBCS, CITP, MInstLM, ITIL v3 Fdn, PTLLS, CELTA
    WIP: CMALT (about to submit), DTLLS (on hold until 2012)
  6. Dullage

    Dullage Byte Poster

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    Great stuff guys, I did like the photocopying book :D
     
    Certifications: A+
    WIP: Network +
  7. mallet

    mallet Kilobyte Poster

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    lol :biggrin


    -Mallet
     
    Certifications: MCP
  8. Tinus1959

    Tinus1959 Gigabyte Poster

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    Great! BTW, did you see the "film" is Dutch? Clues? the site on youtube is called www.youtube.nl and in the end they say "Een film van Eveline (something)".
     
    Certifications: See my signature
    WIP: MCSD, MCAD, CCNA, CCNP

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