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Complaint letter

Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by Raffaz, Jun 1, 2007.

  1. Raffaz

    Raffaz Kebab Lover Gold Member

    I had this sent to me today Via the old email really made me chuckle this is in my opinion how a complaint letter should go, the swear filteer will probably have left a few blanks but fill in your own!

    Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
    read on.
    Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
    letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
    Dear Cretins,
    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
    your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
    three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
    not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
    of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
    so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
    rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
    have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
    day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
    spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
    technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
    minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
    annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
    - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
    although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
    such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
    had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
    arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
    between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
    still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
    mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
    variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
    skilled bollock jugglers.
    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
    whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
    answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
    transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
    Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
    thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
    those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
    care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
    in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
    therefore, if I continue.
    I thought BT were , that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
    customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
    disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
    their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
    anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
    to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
    shower of s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
    distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
    British Telecom - though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
    of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
    inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
    foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
    you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
    the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
    deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
    disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
    rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
    cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
    both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
    become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
    time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
    not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
    the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
    irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of .
    Certifications: A+, MCP, MCDST, AutoCAD
    WIP: Rennovating my house
  2. Alex Wright

    Alex Wright Megabyte Poster

    Raff, that's quality! :biggrin
    Certifications: 70-680 Configuring Windows 7
    WIP: 70-642
  3. stuPeas

    stuPeas Megabyte Poster

    The cerebrum bit nearly made me wet myself. Excellent. I wonder if I can plagiarize it for Toucan??
    Certifications: C&G Electronic, CIW Associate (v5).
    WIP: CIW (Website Design Manager)
  4. nXPLOSi

    nXPLOSi Terabyte Poster

    Lol, quality... John rocks :)
    Certifications: A+, Network+, Security+, MCSA 2003 (270, 290, 291), MCTS (640, 642), MCSA 2008
    WIP: MCSA 2012
  5. ManicMonkey

    ManicMonkey Kilobyte Poster

    Now that is an awsome complaint letter >< bet that went up on there wall.
    Certifications: MCSE
    WIP: Exchange, Share point - MOM as well
  6. Arroryn
    Honorary Member

    Arroryn we're all dooooooomed

    That is great!

    I may be using the words rectum and sputum in conversation more often. Carefully, but often :D
    Certifications: A+, N+, MCDST, 70-410, 70-411
    WIP: Modern Languages BA
  7. Boycie
    Honorary Member

    Boycie Senior Beer Tester

    Raff, that's quality. Thanks for sharing. :)
    Certifications: MCSA 2003, MCDST, A+, N+, CTT+, MCT
  8. Tinus1959

    Tinus1959 Gigabyte Poster

    I just saw in my mental eye him playing his testicle to kill the time. Classic.
    Certifications: See my signature
  9. Bluerinse
    Honorary Member

    Bluerinse Exabyte Poster

    Ah, English used as it should be 8)
    Certifications: C&G Electronics - MCSA (W2K) MCSE (W2K)
  10. VantageIsle

    VantageIsle Kilobyte Poster

    funny as Funk. Best complaint letter ever!

    soon as you read 'Dear Cretins' you know its gonna be good:D
    Certifications: A+, ITIL V3, MCSA, MCITP:EST, CCENT, 70-432-SQL, 70-401 SCCM
    WIP: MCSA upgrade MCITP:SA then EA

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