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Discussion in 'Just for Laughs' started by farmer, Mar 26, 2007.

  1. farmer

    farmer Byte Poster

    TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

    8. See if they could finally do the splits.

    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

    4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

    3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

    Finally find that damned G-spot.

    Blonde In Heaven Joke

    Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

    A chap visits a massage parlour. On the wall he sees a price list:
    Turkish massage £30
    Swedish Massage £75
    De-waxing £100

    Being new to the experience and not sure if he will enjoy it he decides to go for the cheapest option.

    He is led into a room and told to undress and lie on the table, which he duly does. A few moments later a 20 stone Turkish wrestler enters and begins to punch and pummel him without mercy. The pain is incredible as limbs are bent into positions they were never designed to adopt. In the pause between two assaults the man manages to gasp: "Ok I’ll pay the extra; I’ll have the Swedish massage."

    The wrestler shambles out and is replaced by a tall leggy blond from Stockholm dressed only in her bra and panties. She leans over him and begins to gently rub scented oil into his bruised flesh. Soon the pain is forgotten and he becomes increasingly aroused as her slim hands travel down his back and the massage becomes distinctly ‘intimate.' His breathing becomes more rapid and his body arches rhythmically when suddenly the masseuse packs up her oils and walks to the door. The man whimpers: "Oh God, I’ll pay the extra—don't stop!"

    Immediately the girl returns and slipping her hand between his legs begins to resurrect his slightly flagging ardour. Just as the critical moment arrives the Turkish wrestler runs in and hits the man viciously in the testicles: sure enough; all the wax flew out of his ears.

    Blonde in first class
    On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York

    13 Canaries

    Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

    The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

    The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

    Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

    After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

    The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me too. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Skoda."

    The third one says, "Well, I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
    Certifications: C&G level 2, ECDL, IC3, MOS
    WIP: city and guilds level3 , a+
  2. Headache

    Headache Gigabyte Poster

    Nice one, Farmer. Cheers.
    Certifications: CCNA
  3. nugget
    Honorary Member

    nugget Junior toady

    Love it. :thumbleft
    Certifications: A+ | Network+ | Security+ | MCP (270,271,272,290,620) | MCDST | MCTS:Vista
    WIP: MCSA, 70-622,680,685

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